Sunday, 7 October 2007

Upon reflection



Peace in our time. I declare an end to my internal hostilities, the war that was being waged against fear and fearful imaginings, the war that lead to manic making of jam, the random purchasing of gardening books, and other such distractions that in truth cannot be carried out at any practical level but served to divert the feverish mind from more pressing, and indeed distressing difficulties.

Yes, my wisdom tooth is coming out on Tuesday. My son will be away from me for quite a while. My Grandma is having a rough old time with tests, social services and daily life with dementia. My mother has finally disintegrated and is under psychiatric care, though to her credit, whenever she does fall apart it never lasts long. I am embroiled in wranglings and legal disputes with social services and the NHS. And I have felt truly, utterly mad in the past week or two, maybe longer. Really bonkers.

I told the psychiatrist that I am under so much stress I'd rather see him in 2 months when things have calmed down. He was fine with that. I really don't want my stressy behaviours to be pigeon-holded. Everyone whirls apart sometimes.

As I won't be writing for a while I bring you flowers. Peace and more peace. Close your eyes and you can smell the fragrance.

6 comments:

Elizabeth McClung said...

I wish you success as you travel through 'the void' (which sounds so much better than a life meltdown), and will await your reports once you are out the other side.

Maggie said...

Dear Seahorse, I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

I'm so sorry to hear the little you share about your Gran. Dementia is very hard. Please try to remember that if your Gran says nasty things to you, it's the *illness* speaking, not *her*. I hope that she is like my Dad, who was always pleased to see us, and at the core was still himself right to the end.

Sending you hugs from sunny Liverpool.

cusp said...

Be right there with you.....

It's a truly great photo by the way: really heavenly like clouds.

S. said...

Oh, Seahorse. I'm sorry things are hard--they always do seem to descend all at once, don't they?

For unbloggable reasons, I am in dire need of flowers right now, so I'm grateful indeed for your blog and the way you offer us beauty when things start coming undone.

It's a gift.

seahorse said...

s. More flowers on the way I promise.

cusp: I know you are and thank you

Maggie: Yes I think her core is intact. My Gran is scared a lot and lost in confusion, but not hostile or difficult in any way.

Elizabeth: I'm thanking you having come through the other side, but thank you.

Alex said...

Thanks for information