Friday, 1 August 2008

Rollercoaster

I'm not going to try and predict the future but I do have to say that things may be a little unpredictable around here for a while.

The highs and lows are really draining me. This is typical benzo withdrawal behaviour. Sometimes I even question my quest to come off the nastier of my prescription medication. Why not just have a quiet life? I also question being in therapy as I think I'm hitting a rough patch. Then I realise I only have my therapist to talk to and I chicken out of stopping. So I swing from mania to exhaustion and back again, punch drunk and directionless.

But I do remember what a quiet life was like. A living death. And I realise that even though days like today leave me feeling utterly defeated, exhausted beyond crying and as emotionless as a zombie, that I must persevere. Ride out the nightmares, breathe through the panic, rest my eyes from exhaustion. Ride out the nightmares, breathe through the panic, rest my eyes from exhaustion. Ride out the nightmares, breathe through the panic, rest my eyes from exhaustion. Repeat ad infinitum.

The highs make it worthwhile for one thing. Going out, or even staying in, and feeling alive and happy is something I haven't felt for a long time. Now there are windows of it.

And I hope that even if there are more bad days than good for a while, the end result will be more good days than bad. More feeling in my life, more clarity in my life. More life in my life. Better writing.

Today I cooked an ommlette and a baked potato. And I wrote this about how I am feeling. And a friend came over. I could barely concentrate but I wanted to see her as she's having a baby anytime now. Loved her bump. And yes, I did pat it. I tried not to, as I remember just how bloody annoying it is. But I couldn't help it.

7 comments:

Donimo said...

Tough, tough stuff. You're weathering many storms and it doesn't seem like you're getting much of a break between them. I applaud your bravery and determination, I really do. It's hard enough to come off benzo-type drugs when that's the "only" thing you're dealing with, but you also have a chronic illness that makes all the day-to-day stuff harder and the whole process more challenging. It does sound very draining and it also sounds very worth it.

Day by day, inching toward more life, more clarity and more YOU.

I'm thousands of kilometres away, but I'm also right here, ya know?

S. said...

Oh, Seahorse, yes, it sounds miserably hard. Never having tried to kick anything serious, I can only imagine how hard. But this--coming off the nastier drugs--is something that your body *can* do and is doing. I'm glad that you're not pulling back from therapy at the same time.

The Goldfish said...

Thinking of you, Seahorse. All this shall pass and those precious windows will open up further. It is very tough, but so are you; you've demonstrated remarkable courage and perseverance to get thus far. Don't forget what you have already achieved.

I'm here if ever I can be useful. And otherwise, too.

seahorse said...

Hey Donimo: distance is unimportant in these situations. Was thinking of you today, and feeling bad for not stopping by yours, or anyone's in the last few weeks. Been under a large stone. Just done in.

S. Thank you, and yes I will do it. I bloody well will I'm so determined.

Goldfish: I grab the time I have with my son at the mo, and enjoy - or at least don't mind getting tired out as at least we're doing stuff. It's the in between weeks that are a trial. That's when I'm cutting (and wisely so). Best to be miserable when he's not around I feel. Yes it is tough, but thanks for stopping by it's much appreciated.

Everyone, I think I posted this as a matter of record. I don't post on bad days so much any more (or do I, can't remember?) But anyway, sometimes it's hard. Maybe I'm not cool blogging in such a way, but I don't care!!!!

EkC said...

"And I hope that even if there are more bad days than good for a while, the end result will be more good days than bad. More feeling in my life, more clarity in my life. More life in my life. Better writing."

I think that's a great attitude to have. Here's to hoping the rollercoaster ride gets easier though, with less sharp turns and scary spins and flips.

Reading the Signs said...

I feel for you, Seahorse, and relate to the "living death" fear of the quiet life. I hope, as you go through this, that the quiet life also unfolds something of richness and warmth. It is good, the way you write about how things are. Setting down the truth of things resonates, always. I hope you keep doing that.

seahorse said...

ekc thanks, but I think just adjusting to life on a rollercoaster will help for the time being. I think I'm strapped in here for a while yet.

Signs richness and warmth are things I would love in my life. Tonight there was a flash of contentment, so it's not all bad. As for the truth? Always.