Saturday, 30 August 2008

A Global Matter

This is exciting. I am blogging from my phone. Only a couple more days til i return to the big screen though. Can't be doing with texting at length!

Thursday, 21 August 2008

We're all going on a...

Jungle safari. Just to prove the sun did shine in August in the UK! No, actually this has turned into the month where there's been a collective and yet independently arrived at summer holiday from blogging. A stupendous notion. Lots to tell on our returns and a break from late nights and eye strain (in my case anyway) in the meantime. And if it becomes regular, I feel that September will have something of the excitement of a new term at school about it. Love to everyone else who is having a rest. I do miss being in touch with people online and wonder how my friends are doing.

When I came back from my Mum's, the crocosmia were out all around my pond. So pretty and zingy, so here's another one.

And a striped beast of the jungle was drinking silently from the water with one eye roving for a frog...

Saturday, 9 August 2008


Hi all

Away for a few days but okay.

Friday, 1 August 2008


I'm not going to try and predict the future but I do have to say that things may be a little unpredictable around here for a while.

The highs and lows are really draining me. This is typical benzo withdrawal behaviour. Sometimes I even question my quest to come off the nastier of my prescription medication. Why not just have a quiet life? I also question being in therapy as I think I'm hitting a rough patch. Then I realise I only have my therapist to talk to and I chicken out of stopping. So I swing from mania to exhaustion and back again, punch drunk and directionless.

But I do remember what a quiet life was like. A living death. And I realise that even though days like today leave me feeling utterly defeated, exhausted beyond crying and as emotionless as a zombie, that I must persevere. Ride out the nightmares, breathe through the panic, rest my eyes from exhaustion. Ride out the nightmares, breathe through the panic, rest my eyes from exhaustion. Ride out the nightmares, breathe through the panic, rest my eyes from exhaustion. Repeat ad infinitum.

The highs make it worthwhile for one thing. Going out, or even staying in, and feeling alive and happy is something I haven't felt for a long time. Now there are windows of it.

And I hope that even if there are more bad days than good for a while, the end result will be more good days than bad. More feeling in my life, more clarity in my life. More life in my life. Better writing.

Today I cooked an ommlette and a baked potato. And I wrote this about how I am feeling. And a friend came over. I could barely concentrate but I wanted to see her as she's having a baby anytime now. Loved her bump. And yes, I did pat it. I tried not to, as I remember just how bloody annoying it is. But I couldn't help it.