Don't get me wrong, I am also sad and tearful, having left my partner of ten years. And the exhaustion is quite incredible.
A friend likened it to escaping from a hostage situation, and she says such euphoria, sadness and exhaustion are quite understandable. I was certainly emotionally imprisoned, neglected and, towards the end, abused.
But I think we were both hostages, with my illness representing the captor. And it really screwed us up, seeing the illness like that, and in the end led to a very bleak existence. It was definitely time to get out.
Actually I wasn't a hostage, because I released myself, and in doing so released both of us and I don't feel like a hostage now that I am out of that situation. Because I am further along the road of acceptance. I am ill. I am going to be ill for a long time. I can't do many things I would like to be able to do. He found that hard to accept.
I don't have any bad feeling towards my ex. I understand why he became depressed, and why that depression turned into hatred and anger. And I in turn could be hateful and angry too. Because I wasn't being loved. I was being resented and hated.
It had to stop. When you remove all the twisted behaviour on both sides, it still isn't my fault that I am ill. I'm not abdicating responsibility for coping with being ill, but to hate someone for it...? He tried to cope, we both tried, but we couldn't adapt as a couple, so separating makes total sense.
And yes, all my divorced or separated friends are right. I wish I'd done it months ago, if not years.
But so much has gone RIGHT with this move that the sadness and exhaustion are bearable.
Things that have gone right:
- My son's favourite Razorlight song was playing from a house on our new street when we walked up to our new front door. Then he found a penny and we saw a black cat. Superstitious, moi?
- My son loves this place. He is, in fact, a different child. It's as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Loads of his friends live nearby and people are being very kind and helpful all round. I believe in asking for help when it's necessary.
- The sun has shone almost constantly since I moved.
- We got to keep Ralph, our now officially adopted cat. And there's a really lovely story to this.
I had to bite the bullet before the move and invite one of them over for the inevitable chat.
When they heard the circumstances and how attached my son is to Ralph, the four of them had a chat, then drew up an official adoption certificate stating that as my son had looked after him so well he was now officially the new owner. And that's official. Signed, laminated and on his bedroom wall.
It was honestly one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for us. It's because he's a very special cat and they really loved him, but they were still prepared to let him go.
I did them a watercolour, only wishing I was more expert with a brush.
Such generosity of spirit seems to abound at the moment.
More things that have gone right:
- People are going to muck in and help us sort out the garden (it hasn't been touched for three years).
- I had loads of help with unpacking.
- I have felt so relieved and at home, and so quickly.
- Everything I needed to happen just seems to have happened.
Beauty does exist in life. If you are in a bad situation, you can change it. And people can be caring, generous-spirited and helpful. Yes, I know I sound corny, but basic truths can be a bit like that can't they? And when you've lost sight of the truth, then regained it, you want to share it.