Still can't believe it

My Gran saw her actual proper consultant yesterday, who heads up elderly mental health in her part of town. He looked at her brain scan and confirmed Alzheimer's. More medication was prescribed.

Why does it still feel like I've got my exam results in my hand, and I'm just reading them over and over again? You know that bit where you see them up on a board, but you can't believe it? You have to have them in your hand, on paper. But then you still can't believe it.

Alzheimer's was being talked about months ago, seriously talked about by her GP and social workers as we headed into increased care in the autumn, and pretty much formally diagnosed by the SHO at her last appointment. We as a family have known deep down for a year or so. I've tried to accept it, to look for the positives. She is still my Gran. Still loved, and being looked after by my Mum and some very good home help people.

But I'm still very upset at times. She came for a cup of tea on Sunday. It was all sorts of things at once. Lovely to see her and to see she still has that famous dry wit of hers. Hard because I was feeling very tired, and conscious that in looking for glimpses of her 'old self' I was doing what people have done with me for three years. Emotional because it's Christmas soon, and I get emotional easily anyway.

What I hate most of all is how I can't get to see her as often as I'd like. In fact I've had to see less of her recently, because I've been feeling too low and exhausted to be of much use. Thankfully the really bad depressions I get tend to come and go these days, and I've decided I should be visiting her when I'm feeling up to it and capable of cheering her up, rather than just because I feel I should be going, but turning up with a long face and not much to say. That's no good at all.