Loneliness and sedation are a bad combination. You become very introspective and things can spiral downwards very quickly. The answer? Well, less sedation longterm but this afternoon I made myself go out again, despite a very crap morning.
It was the only answer. I went to school then spent a couple of hours out watching my son skateboarding with his friends. All I had to do was sit and watch. And I felt better. So much better than lying in bed, which is what I really wanted to do. And some days that's fine. But not when there's life to be lived, even if it amounts to little more than sitting on a bench. And I'm not writing this for 'well done' comments. I'm writing this to record the fact that I managed to somehow turn today around.
I'm having to do the one day at a time rule. I find a dip in my mental health sends me pretty much into 'too much' mode. It's all just too much to cope with.
That's the complete bummer about dealing with a dual diagnosis, as they call it.
The physical side of things can be unpredictable enough, but the mood swings and depression, anxiety etc etc can be impossible to track, let alone plan for, react to or chart in any way. And my moods are not only affected by my physical condition, but by a pretty poor psychological state and really crap prescription drugs.
I know I have to do something about it. But you try getting anyone in the health service to agree they've badly messed up and THEN agree to help you unmess it.
That, my friends, is the dilemma. And all I can do for now is try to distract myself on the really bad days. And stop buying so many chocolate biscuits perhaps.