Monday, 10 September 2007

Very low

Sometimes I honestly believe I am going to die of exhaustion. I really believe that my heart is going to pack in or I will collapse and just not get up again.
And sometimes I actually want that to happen.
I went to the dentist today. The taxi journey there was enough to tell me I shouldn't have gone. But I'd left any sort of check-up for more than a year. So I went. The dentist was a new guy, young, just out of medical school. And he didn't do anything. I was expecting a basic check up, a scale and polish, and perhaps a filling. But nothing. Why? Because I listed my medication, answered his questions about organ function checks and suchlike and he blanched.
I came away without even a scale and polish. Now surely a tooth tickle is hardly going to be any risk to my health, is it?
But he didn't want the responsibility on his shoulders for anything to do with me.
I am sick of being on so much medication that it scares even doctors.
I am sick of being so disabled that no one knows what to do with me, so no one does anything. When I brought up medication with my GP in a recent phone consultation she suggested I visit the local chemist for a prescription MOT.
Um, I think a clinical pharmacologist may be of more use but will she refer me? No, because as every doctor dealing with me knows..."Whatever you do, don't TOUCH the medication."
Nevermind the fact that it's all making me feel 100 per cent worse and the side effects are as bad as my actual condition.
I am depressed, and yet this is allowed to continue. My notes over at the mental health clinic probably read "Yadeyadeyah, blah, blah, whatever." Because of COURSE I am depressed. I'm fat, miserable, lonely, can't go anywhere, can't do anything. I stay in bed half the day. I overeat. I have no motivation to try and do things. I can't enjoy time with my son, I am exhausted when I try to do anything enjoyable. Who can possibly help me? What treatment is going to possibly be of any benefit? None. So nothing happens and I just rot away in my own stomach acid.
Yes. I'm feeling very low. And no one is helping me.


Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear you are feeling low right now. I am afraid I am not in any better place so can not offer you any advice other than hang in there.

I've been hanging in there for over 2 years and some days I think why am I doing this, then I will have one really good thing, even if it's just 5 minutes in a day, and I will know that I am still here and still battling through because I can. And the moments that really make me smile, the 5 minutes standing admiring a breathtaking view, they uphold me and keep me pushing through because I know I'll get another 5 minutes like that again soon and maybe if I'm really lucky it'll be more than 5 minutes!

My love and {{HUGS}} to you and your son, T (talj) xx

seahorse said...

Thanks Talj. I'm writing an update to the above. It needs to be balanced.

fluttertongue said...

I will be your advocate! You know, sometimes I think it can be very beneficial to have someone actually go and visit the doctor with you. I found that when I took my Mum along at the very beginning of all this (she was so fed up with me being in a state she was determined to get something done) the doctor actually noticed the severity of things. And they can explain that, yes a change in medication is a massive thing, but the important thing is to keep trying until you find a way to make the cure (or in this case, things that make you able to live) less horrendous than the thing itself. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm living, just waiting for death. Surely that's not right? Anyway, basically, it's important not to be doing this alone. And by this, I mean all the clinical stuff, because for some reason doctors seem to think the person who least knows what's best for them is themselves. We know that's not the case. But they don't.

I've read your next post so I know things are looking up. Long may that last. And in the meantime, I'm usually (actually nearly always) around for chats and moral support.

seahorse said...

Thank you fluttertongue. I know you get it, and that you've been there too and it is good to have moral support. I must insist on the services I need, rather than what they think I need. And yes, I am capable of turning around a bad day. But I aim for less bad days, ultimately. And that is achievable given that tackling medication can bring about positive results, despite the nightmare you have to go through.

Sally said...

Dentists !
A bit of a practical suggestion ... Every dentist can refer patients to the NHS Community Dental Service - its for those patients with 'special needs' YEAH, I know. The CDS is usually at a local hospital. If you have medical problems or disabilities that mean getting there is a problem, ask your GP or the Community dental service, to arrange hospital transport - they fetch you and take you back, with an escort if you need it. Or the 'Friends of ... Hospital' volunteer driver service. If they have one.
The CDS is the solution for me: My combination of wheelchair, being on immune suppressing drugs, and being a totally panic stricken patient (after childhood butcher dentist), being my 'special needs'.

When my Bump (ME) was too ill to get to a dentist for years, we asked her local dental practice for a home visit, to check everything was ok. I don't think that was unusual, many dentists should offer the service. They had mobile equipment for 'tooth tickling' and basic fillings, so that kept her in good dental health until she achieved some small level of coping so she could get to his practice. Then the dentist was very accommodating and understanding that if she rang up on the day of the appointment and said she was too ill to come in, he understood and didn't charge her the standard cancellation fee. (He is also very handsome, which helps.)
I hope this is helpful, but apologise if it is just too much to contemplate.

seahorse said...

Sally: Not at all. Practical suggestions are very welcome. I will check this out as I'd at least like to have some teeth left after all this :)