Sometimes I honestly believe I am going to die of exhaustion. I really believe that my heart is going to pack in or I will collapse and just not get up again.
And sometimes I actually want that to happen.
I went to the dentist today. The taxi journey there was enough to tell me I shouldn't have gone. But I'd left any sort of check-up for more than a year. So I went. The dentist was a new guy, young, just out of medical school. And he didn't do anything. I was expecting a basic check up, a scale and polish, and perhaps a filling. But nothing. Why? Because I listed my medication, answered his questions about organ function checks and suchlike and he blanched.
I came away without even a scale and polish. Now surely a tooth tickle is hardly going to be any risk to my health, is it?
But he didn't want the responsibility on his shoulders for anything to do with me.
I am sick of being on so much medication that it scares even doctors.
I am sick of being so disabled that no one knows what to do with me, so no one does anything. When I brought up medication with my GP in a recent phone consultation she suggested I visit the local chemist for a prescription MOT.
Um, I think a clinical pharmacologist may be of more use but will she refer me? No, because as every doctor dealing with me knows..."Whatever you do, don't TOUCH the medication."
Nevermind the fact that it's all making me feel 100 per cent worse and the side effects are as bad as my actual condition.
I am depressed, and yet this is allowed to continue. My notes over at the mental health clinic probably read "Yadeyadeyah, blah, blah, whatever." Because of COURSE I am depressed. I'm fat, miserable, lonely, can't go anywhere, can't do anything. I stay in bed half the day. I overeat. I have no motivation to try and do things. I can't enjoy time with my son, I am exhausted when I try to do anything enjoyable. Who can possibly help me? What treatment is going to possibly be of any benefit? None. So nothing happens and I just rot away in my own stomach acid.
Yes. I'm feeling very low. And no one is helping me.