Monday, 10 September 2007

The thing is

Loneliness and sedation are a bad combination. You become very introspective and things can spiral downwards very quickly. The answer? Well, less sedation longterm but this afternoon I made myself go out again, despite a very crap morning.
It was the only answer. I went to school then spent a couple of hours out watching my son skateboarding with his friends. All I had to do was sit and watch. And I felt better. So much better than lying in bed, which is what I really wanted to do. And some days that's fine. But not when there's life to be lived, even if it amounts to little more than sitting on a bench. And I'm not writing this for 'well done' comments. I'm writing this to record the fact that I managed to somehow turn today around.
I'm having to do the one day at a time rule. I find a dip in my mental health sends me pretty much into 'too much' mode. It's all just too much to cope with.
That's the complete bummer about dealing with a dual diagnosis, as they call it.
The physical side of things can be unpredictable enough, but the mood swings and depression, anxiety etc etc can be impossible to track, let alone plan for, react to or chart in any way. And my moods are not only affected by my physical condition, but by a pretty poor psychological state and really crap prescription drugs.
I know I have to do something about it. But you try getting anyone in the health service to agree they've badly messed up and THEN agree to help you unmess it.
That, my friends, is the dilemma. And all I can do for now is try to distract myself on the really bad days. And stop buying so many chocolate biscuits perhaps.


Wheelchair Dancer said...



seahorse said...

Thank you. A hug is always better than a chocolate biscuit.

Never That Easy said...

Ditto the dancer... I wish I could be there with you, in person. Or send chocolate in my place.


S. said...

I'm going to say "well done" anyway. I know how hard it is to overcome that inertia, even when you know being outdoors will do you good. How are you going to get off the chocolate biscuits if you don't have some sunshine to ease the withdrawal?

Cusp said...

You sound as if you're in a horrible place at the moment.

I think you were right to get yourself out of the house. There have been many times when doing that felt just too much effort but having done it I felt it was at least better to feel ghastly whilst watching/being with my children than lying in bed feeling ghastly and thinking about being with them.

I do wish that you could get your meds. sorted. I've seen other people with similar probs to yours in that respect and when the meds. were eventually sorted out it turned everything around.

I haven't forgotten the stuff I said I'd get ready for you. Afraid I've had a few rough days myself but I will get back to you asap.

Big hug

seahorse said...

Cusp: You are SO right. I have a friend who is coping with a recent heavy duty diagnosis, and yet she's already worked out that watching her kids play at the local pool is so much better than being at home crying because she can't be in the pool with them. I really feel my natural coping mechanisms have been very seriously distorted by medication, and I have spent a long time needlessly and horribly depressed. The scales have fallen from my eyes. I've been thinking a lot over the past couple of weeks. I think all this thinking may need some positive action. I'm thunked out :)

S. An excellent withdrawal plan as chocolate biscuits can't be eaten anywhere near sunshine because they melt. Top idea. And for now at least, we have some sun.

never that easy: thank you, you are with me just by thinking of me. I pondered this in my deckchair this afternoon. If we think about our blogging friends, it sends so much good feeling around. I'll say no to the chocolate. It's playing havoc with my graphic equalizer, as I describe my rather haywire system :)